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Thread: Funny Sh** Put Em Up

  1. #41
    PBN User Stuckonstupid's Avatar
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  2. #42
    PBN User hook'em's Avatar
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    ^^^^ Man, it aint all it's cracked up to be. Ask me how I know. Although I have to be one of the best paid baby sitters around.....

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by hook'em View Post
    ^^^^ Man, it aint all it's cracked up to be. Ask me how I know. Although I have to be one of the best paid baby sitters around.....
    yep I know your pain LOL.... I always tell people that I should have majored in childhood education/psychology LOL.

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    PBN User sommerfliesby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stuckonstupid View Post
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    OMG I need this...

  5. #45
    PBN User sommerfliesby's Avatar
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    lololololol
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  6. #46
    PBN User Stuckonstupid's Avatar
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    Bullhead and hook'em like this.

  7. #47
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  8. #48
    PBN User sommerfliesby's Avatar
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    hehe.
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  9. #49
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    Sent from mi iPhone using Powerboat Nation
    hook'em and Stuckonstupid like this.

  10. #50
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  11. #51
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    I used to like Friday's, but now I think it is too close to Monday to be fun.

  12. #52
    PBN User jway's Avatar
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    I thought this was pretty good.

    Dear neighbor... - The Meta Picture
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  13. #53
    PBN User jway's Avatar
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    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy…


    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


    CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
    had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
    Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.



    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing as it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
    going to make it. Poor feller. Wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

    Judge # 3 - No Report
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  14. #54
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  15. #55
    PBN User jway's Avatar
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    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
    walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
    The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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  16. #56
    PBN User jway's Avatar
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    The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

    Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she
    slept through the class.

    One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

    'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

    When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind
    her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

    'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

    The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

    A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

    But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
    rescue and stuck her in the butt.

    'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

    And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

    The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
    had her twenty-third child?'

    Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,

    If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,
    I'll break it in Half!'

    The Nun fainted!!!
    Sydwayz and sommerfliesby like this.

  17. #57
    PBN User Stuckonstupid's Avatar
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  18. #58
    PBN User Stuckonstupid's Avatar
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    642mx, INDAWIND and KRBoss252 like this.

  19. #59
    PBN User Stuckonstupid's Avatar
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  20. #60
    PBN User Newbomb's Avatar
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    A couple morale enhancers.
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